Mt. Rainier Sanctification

For nearly three hours, I'd been trying unsuccessfully to sleep. It was definitely not the most comfortable bed ever had—only a thin yellow and silver accordion-style pad separated my sleeping bag from particleboard platform bunk. I had no pillow; pillow too much of an extravagance haul up ten thousand feet. But glad opted for warmer, albeit slightly heavier, bag. Even though hard, it warm as cuddled hot water bottle like teddy bear.The room rattled with snores men, climbing partners. only woman. We were lucky get spot in stone shelter at Camp Muir, basecamp Mt. Rainier. would be waking 1:00 a.m. begin our summit attempt, climb 4,500 feet that take six nine hours. The sun finally gone down, hazy glow small, dirty windows extinguished last. wasn't light kept me awake. Or snoring. lack pillow. panic, silent extreme.Today harder than expected. climbed about 4,800 trailhead Paradise struggling last one Although completed hikes weighted packs preparation this climb, pack felt heavy. didn't layer allowed myself cold snow wind. depleted, we hadn't even started hard part yet.What world thinking? Rainier is serious mountain—14,411 massive rock ice. tortured possibilities—me, hauled off mountain by Chinook helicopter, dangling above trees rescue basket or falling crevasse, pulling entire team after me, where we'd all suffocate freeze death.More violent death, feared revealing strong enough brave enough. That simply have stamina grit. Tomorrow knew asking things never asked before discovering known. More anything, scared wouldn't what found.At some point, counting fears must worked sheep because fell asleep. A few unrested hours later, stepped into frigid air. At elevation, June feels January. Looking up, saw indigo purple sky filled glorious display stars seen. Milky Way looked God spilled glitter across universe. breathed magic all.Despite fears, right come.We finished morning tasks—boiling freeze-dried breakfasts, gathering ropes carbineers, lacing crampons—and time rope in. From here on out four us tethered together long rope.Mike, experienced climber far, took lead. kind jovial fiftysomething gap-tooth grin, Mike quintessential Boy Scout. He attempting his twentieth today, cap intimidating perfect record nineteen attempts, summits. incredibly encouraging patient made any feel least bit small.Second John, cherished friends but also someone barely spoken years, since day fired wife Lara, shattered friendship, triggered divorce. When husband Matt picked him airport two days ago, he greeted hugs smiles, saying, “I'm really it's you guys!” That's say people don't see talk often think lot. sake previous both pretending fine.Third weakest link, newbie forty-one-year-old mother three, carrying more share emotional baggage.Sterling, twenty-two-year-old student part-time lifeguard, fourth final position. called Strapping Sterling, partly tall muscular mostly handshake. very firm handshake found reassuring. boded well ability rescue. began, linked rope. surreal. There tiniest hint horizon. traversing upper portion Cowlitz Glacier, incline relatively gentle. Concentrating pace so taut loose, carried ice axe left hand. Combined crampons feet, spikey.I'm such badass now, thought, convince possible.The John walked path, he'd mission: propose. None could imagine epic location marriage proposal. On trip, girlfriend Matt, another buddy, Brent.Back then, Lara friend fellow dancer. big expectations included. After all, engineered their meeting first place.I couldn't wait them become married besties, create Mormon life they sit pews every Sunday perfectly styled adorably curious children. Waiting below climbed, dreamed weekends hang roast s'mores go hikes, baking cakes being book clubs together. excited invested relationship, helped choose ring—a beautiful green emerald diamond halo gold band complement Lara's fiery auburn hair. ring top mountain, she said yes, put her finger.Perfect. Until wasn't. last-minute purchase, hydration arrived afternoon departure. dark wearing bulky gloves, fumbled unfamiliar nozzle. mouthpiece came completely, squirting everywhere. stop.“Hey guys? Could stop just second?” called.“This isn't good place stop,” back over shoulder, headlamp bobbing. “It's prone fall.”“Okay,” said, leaked. Embarrassed wanting inconvenience anyone, fumbling, reattach hiked. By got under control, lost fair amount water, clothes gloves wet, still anything drink.But others precarious position insist address problem.After married, ballroom dance studio. They instructors executive director. Problems arose between bled classroom. Parents students complained. Not strain friends’ new marriage, ignored issues tried care myself.But, tube, leaking. Gap, incredible view Little Tahoma, black pyramid peak silhouetted against rainbow early horizon.“It beautiful,” Sterling said. “So, beautiful.”I smiled. who appreciate view. let enjoy wonder moments on. As reached Ingraham Flats, basecamp, crested horizon, bathing golden light.As past camp, unexpectedly turned around asked, “How are doing, Heather?”I surprised touched. going badly, there many when work looking weight shoulders. ask, John?” rarely how might doing. seem odd time. taken role fixer rescuer—not too. This unevenness friendship needed important, while. important them. John's inquiry well-being nice change us. We'd come way.Looking magnificent setting—the towering walls sides misty valley below—I overcome emotion. believe actually doing this.“I am deeply happy now,” said.He nodded, tell too.Soon bottom Disappointment Cleaver. cleaver ridge separates, cleaves, glaciers. It's physically demanding parts requiring boulder scramble better hour gain elevation. Cleaver breaks people. realize underestimated mountain. give turn around. worried quitters.I decided probably fess situation.“Guys? My tube completely frozen. haven't able out.”“Well, won't do!” quickly coming inspect help.“Heather, your coat little will melt Here. Take bottle,” said.“I can't bottle, John. What drink?”“I'll fine. Have drink left?” asked.“Not really.”“Heather, water.”He unzip pocket pull out. wedged there, make joke birthing baby suddenly popped free hit full force nose.“Ahhhh!”“No!”“Oh, man! Heather, okay?”I held nose closed eyes stinging subside while considered whether broken not. moments, opened helmeted heads gathered round, peering down me.“I'm I'll fine.” embarrassed attention.“Why minute?” suggested. sat. noticed twisted end boot silently readjusted me.I him. moving thirty minutes. Our coiled knock loose rocks other climbers, which created tight seven keep set team, pushing, heart rate high. best low avoid sweating. Sweat freezes makes cold.Each step equivalent steps staircase. Everything jagged uneven.As mind drifted library—the everything broke.The situation downhill months, exploding arguments studio front students. An imbalance power existed older, experienced, former star champion, male. She younger, lots new, untested ideas, fewer trophies, female.It obvious change. stop. fall line woman should act partner, LDS culture generally. believed duty lift achieve vision, challenge authority process. gave lip service idea equal partners matching co-director titles, reality, job facilitate success. wanted recognize quiet do hiding anger distress studio.Meanwhile, making effort build dancers manage moms’ expectations. angry. director, expected studio's needs (which needs) ahead wife's. figure handle focus coaching everyone do. lead partner submissively follow.With pressure national competition upon us, parents frenzied. fielded meeting, bridge gap coaches, students, parents. exhausted soften harsh words launched missiles opposing parties endeavoring honor gravity people's feelings. demanded action. bold move necessary, execute it.Lara breaking unspoken rules. craved voice husband, her—not parents, me. In it, trouble. way problem women power; seen play ways small various systems throughout life.I cried night scheduled struggled conflicting duties boss friend. hated clearly thing do, so, rookie, trusted voices loudest persistent, championed refuse rules need expelled.The next day, library, eye, Lara.And then sat paralyzed chair watched crumble. Cleaver, Mike, off, backs rising sun. Below Rainier's ridges rippled away waves sapphire cobalt. alone until gray bird, bigger fist, flew landed rock. twelve natural world. Nothing lives No trees, scrubby bushes, insects—nothing entice bird journey. wondered seeking.Maybe seeking. meandered trail traverses crevasses. anchors secure through, added safety measure case slipped way. grateful person there. place—not themselves own those after. struck love strangers show each sometimes.As moved bridge, staring crevasse's belly. crevasse deepened, transitioned soft shimmering aquamarine varying shades blue foreboding blackness. Beautiful, sure, hushed terrified. Without lifeline rope, slide slip tomb forever.I face-to-face long. surprisingly, want hurry panic cry. in, absorb terrible beauty it. To look deeper.A months buoyed family, Utah try salvage marriage. traveled project, met café. hoped reconcile authentically understand her. recognized flung pain poisonous darts. that, neither nor spoke Eventually, did amicable, loved ever.Nonetheless, divorce failure. failure—mine. thought maybe if leader done managing studio, peaceably. inevitable co-directorship title head, chosen different library—if better—they married. Maybe friend, stay connected faith. If shown have, Church same. failed them, happily-forever-after, its eternal implications, viable.After divorce, numbed drowning busyness productivity, proving broken. Obviously, important.I relationships outside immediate family. church, arms crossed belly protecting anyone. declined social invitations work, hid office unnecessary interactions. lot—at random times apparent reason. With passing becoming increasingly concerned me.Untethered, mentally emotionally. Stuck traumatized, know in.Then bouquet flowers doorstep. ordinary birthday anniversary get-flowers day. And these lovely—the myself. card simple. “I can angry, sorry am.”It trapped, began rescuing pit.I Lara. relieved crevasses behind mood hyper-focused something significant.All switchbacks glacier. elevation pitch, five hundred per hour. sky, blinding white, blue-green far stunning direction.We along footpath sloping aggressively below. whole spin. trail, perfect—not icy dig melty crunchy careful intentionality—a promise hip injury. “Make step,” wrapped sad He'd understood journey.Although less cleaver, unrelenting class. break so. altitude higher attempted, led lingering concern sickness. warning, sickness cripple headaches, dizziness, nausea, impossible progress further. So lucky.As now. Two nights dinner, told bring version himself meet same challenges respond differently. do-over.I conversation month before. Since flowers, working rebuilding friendship. often, sometimes ventured cautiously. night, talking proposal heaviness “Let's honest, YOUR mountain.”Those pierced knife. fear lived inside actions impetus regret—the challenges, divorce—all shrouded warped time, tangled excitement relationship. eager heroic, impressive, giant mountain? story echo through generations children's putting undue ready. Maybe, urging, development relationship given short shrift Instagrammable proposal.When mentioned expectations, loud, presence. now entered world, form, was.It pretty.Like face do-over. staying behind, safe sanctimonious, without slipping invisible burdens anyone's pack. Here was, trudging ridge, journey, craft anyone else's experience afar.This damn mountain.As myself, clear before: Crevasses caused stressors hidden deep within glacier; doesn't onto it; facade allowing hidden. Observing wild powerful control over—and Some happiness fundamental souls. Coming terms liberating terrifying. false summits, liked use tease “What summit?” say. “Is it?” ask taking bait. “Nope! summit! Hours climb!”And finally, summits others—instead snow, rocky. asked. “I'd climb,” sigh, tired dejected.“Well, you're wrong IS summit!” enthusiastically, knowing pronouncement welcome Christmas morning.I sight. rim crater, high-fived shouted. highest point cross crater knoll, certain summit. basked accomplished together.A feeling intense empowerment washed answered question—I enough.At summit, warning explanation, dropped knees pray. instantly assumed keeping vigil. spent sense another's needs. moment silence space.The wind whipped rim, gusting fits. Underneath noise subtle sound air hear ear conch seashell bigger.Sanctifying enormous requires altar. realized biggest of, bringing remained bitterness, resentment, anger, distress. knees, laid fatted calf, prayed released forever.And gesture belonged stood atop altar prayer. carrying—the mine carry place. forgive Whatever mistakes way, whatever caused, path brought here, otherworldly earth. trade anything. accepted it.I willing offer grace myself.A came. power. swirled around, among, coats, cheeks, filling lungs. sacred, purifying exists tops mountains, earth heaven meet. received heavy brought, lifting transformed tiny bits sand dust blew away.John toward embrace, embrace words.Then hug “Does mean we're again?” tears.He crying “We've always friends, Heather. walk while.”And edge screamed wind—for him, One release hurting